The aftermath of the interview has been horrendous. He lost the job, of course he did. Who is going to hire a man who goes into an interview so messed up he can barely stand? And he started shouting at me. Actually shouting, like I must have been that first night with Lola watching. I didn’t judge him like he had done me though; it was just too funny. I couldn’t help laughing and that only made him angrier. Which, of course, made me laugh harder.
I wish I hadn’t done it. I really, really do. I know that it was a nasty thing to do and I just hadn’t thought it through properly. But then, I was trying to hurt him so I probably wouldn’t have stopped anyway. Or maybe I would. Who knows? I don’t know anything anymore and now he hates me, totally, passionately hates me. I guess he really can’t get out of my head or he would have run screaming by now. I would never have heard from him again and we would both be free. That’s why I’m sorry, I guess. Instead of a truce, instead of working together I’ve made an enemy of the one person who can just walk into my mind and trample it. I guess I could do the same for him. I know all of his deepest fears and his highest hopes. I know every little grubby secret. Not that he has anything really bad, nothing worse than anyone else, but we all have things we’re ashamed of, things we don’t want anyone else to know about. I know I do. I could do what he has done. I could tailor-make a hell just for him. The vindictive prick would deserve it too after the games he has played inside my head, but I don’t have the energy. I thought I was being so clever, trying to force him out, but I just don’t have the stomach for this at all. I just want to curl up and die. I just want this to end.
My hands are shaking as I empty the pills out of their individual blisters and into a tidy pile on my bedside table. You can’t buy enough in one go to do the job properly anymore so I had to go to a few different shops with him crowing and egging me on the whole way. They do it so that people won’t just overdose on a whim. They want you to be sure, to have to think about what you are doing and he loved that. He is still shouting in my head, even now. It has a different edge to the triumph he followed me round the shops with, he seems desperate but I’m not listening now. He has won and we both know it, I don’t need to hear his judgement on this so I’ve turned my headphones up loud enough that I can’t really hear myself think. I would have preferred the stereo but I don’t want the girls to hear and come in to turn it down. I can’t live like this and he doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, so I want this. I am going to do it properly.
He is screaming in my mind now, trying to force me to look at him, but I keep my attention on my pile of pills and the vodka I’m going to wash them down with. I smile bitterly. I hope he likes that little touch; I’m sure he will enjoy the memory once I’m gone.
“Leave me alone!” I throw the thought at him. “At least let me do this in peace! God, not even you can hate me that much.” The tears start to fall – one final humiliation. No chance of me being found looking pale and ephemeral. I’m going to be found in a pool of my own snot and tears; lovely, but not really my main concern.
As I pick up the first of the pills I realise that there is some sort of commotion outside in the hall. Good, if they are distracted by whatever that is, they will be more likely to leave me alone. As I lift the vodka to my lips, Lee bursts through my door; out of breath and in the flesh, to slap the glass out of my hand and grab my chin to dig the pills out of my mouth.